And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
So. Much. Porn.
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