Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
