So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
