thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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