highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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