Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
