I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
