You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize