i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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