I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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