nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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