I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My hand turned me down
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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