sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
