i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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