hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
