yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize