In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
