She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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