So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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