My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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