Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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