I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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