He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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