he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
