Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
