omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Randomize
