In the future we'll all be gay
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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