Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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