i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Damn victory sex feels great
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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