i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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