I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
