I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
