Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
