Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
