If i come over, it means nothing
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Randomize
