I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
