I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
