How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
