dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
