worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
