I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
