I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
