Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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