mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
