I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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