Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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