Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
