would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
