hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
