I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
