I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
