took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
