Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
