I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize