I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
