He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
