What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
