think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize