Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
