Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize