He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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